The ship went down in sight of land.

It's been awhile since I've updated. I apologize.

Lately I've been in whirlwind of busyness. I'm living off of Red Bulls and Starbucks Double Shot Espresso energy drinks. I feel like I'm permanently wired. I've also been some major doldrums recently as well. So although my energy is seemingly up, my spirits are not.

School is depressing me. I have no motivation to finish the next year out, much less this semester. I've been going in and out of this all semester, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm not going to recover from it this time. I have the hardest time focusing, studying, and finding the passion for what I'm going to do to even give me the motivation to get through it. 

In trying to get my crap together and try to muster up the motivation to do all of this, I find myself thinking back to the past, dreading getting older, and wishing I could start over so I would appreciate it and savor it more the second time. I feel like everything went way too fast. I used to be so excited to graduate, get married, and move on with my life. Now I'm wishing I was at home, my sister was there, and we were in elementary school again. They weren't the greatest of times all the time, but it was a safe time. I was always sure that my parents were there and were going to take care of me instead of now where I hardly have the time to talk to them, much less make it home to see them. The same thing goes with my sisters. I want to go back to high school when Ashley and I were close and always together. I want to go back to when Jordan was born and make her a promise that I would to spend as much time with her as possible while she grows up, even if that means not going out on a Saturday night with friends.I would also spend more time at my dad's. I would spend as much time as possible with him. Again, I was more concerned with hanging out with friends and my boyfriend at the time. I was too selfish in those years. I didn't appreciate anything or anyone in my life, and now when I'm feeling lonely and homesick, I can't help but think about how I didn't take advantage of it when I had it.  There's too many things I know I'd do differently knowing what I know now.

I thought that if I got all of that out, then I'd be able to focus and get to studying for my midterm tomorrow. In all actuality, I feel worse and just want to go to bed. 

I'm sorry for this depressing post. I don't have really anyone to talk to about this that would understand it, so I thought I'd just throw it all out there so I can let it go. 

On a happier note, I just completed my second week of running. I got too busy and too exhausted to continue when I was posting about them before, but I finally have started again and have done really well sticking with it. I actually love it and feel so good when I get done. I hope to be able to run  a 5K or two by this time next year. I've gotta get some other goals besides school or I'm going to go insane. 

Now back to studying... lucky me.