Ending my day right.

Today was an absolutely great day. Over the weekend I revamped my expectations and procedures, so today I went over that with them and made sure they understood everything. They all took it well. I think they finally realize that passive, nice Ms. Waldrep is gone, and (semi) strict, mean Mrs. Mac has arrived. :) 

I didn't get to run due to an hour long faculty meeting after school and two junior high football games. I did get to see my parents tonight, though! They made an hour and a half drive just to come see my girls cheer. It seriously meant the world to me. My girls didn't hit their halftime routine for the first time since I started, but it wasn't a total loss. It was freezing and the grass was wet, so it wasn't a huge ordeal. 

After a major lack of sleep and an extremely long (but good) day, I am beat and am going to finally hit the sack. 

I am thankful to be laying my head down tonight with a little less stress and a more positive outlook on what I am doing tomorrow. 

I think He is trying to tell me something.

After a long night of sleeplessness and frustration because my mind wouldn't "shut off," I woke up practically in tears at 5:15 after finally falling asleep somewhere after 4:00 am. I curse the alarm clock knowing that I have to be at school and two football games tonight, guaranteeing that i won't get home until 9:30 at the earliest. I get up anyway, and begin my quiet time to prepare for the day. This is today's verse:

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:28-29

I know I am going to make it today.

Keeping my eyes on the prize

Today was well spent with family, but it made me realize how I'm beginning to loathe the question, "How is teaching going?" I tend to answer indifferently or downright negatively. I wish people could understand how difficult it is and how my particular situation is more difficult than it should be.

When I reflect on the past 3-4 years, I realize that I have been under a ridiculous amount of stress. The older I get, the more I notice the toll it has taken on my body, my health, my mind, and my attitude. What I am dealing with now is no different. I am struggling with it even more now, though, because I am a newly-wed, and while I want to enjoy that in every aspect, I am struggling to enjoy anything at all about my current life and situation.

Every day, I experience severe anxiety. I have had several crying spells that last for over an hour, been sick at my stomach almost every single day since I started teaching, had bouts of weight gain and weight loss, bouts of eating too much some weeks and too little some weeks. I hardly sleep during the week, but I go to bed before ten on Friday night, wake up at 11 or later on Saturday, but and still try to nap later that day. I have racing thoughts all day, every day. I have difficulty remembering simple things and concentrating a lot of the time. I have been on the very brink of a panic attack more than five times. When this happens, I literally have to sit myself down and audibly tell myself that it is not as bad at it seems and I am over-thinking it. After convincing myself of this and taking several slow, deep breaths, my heart rate will steady, and suddenly the world doesn't seem to be collapsing.

I say all of this not for sympathy or concern from others. I am very well aware that this is not healthy and very concerning. I say all of this so that I can remember what it was like. Clearly I am under some extreme stress that I need to learn to cope with, so by coming to the open realization of it, I can finally begin my attempt at fixing it. I know that I cannot go on this way. 

I pray every day that I can overcome it. This past week, I really felt the difference from the prayer. Still, during the day I get overwhelmed, and at night I am not sleeping. I know that I am getting some relief, though. One of the main things I pray for is positivity. This will be the key to my survival. I am striving to focus on the good things about every day. However, by the end of the day, I forget what was good about it and I am back to stressing. Every day gets a little better, though. 

Tonight, I was googling different tips to dealing with stress. This led me to googling dealing with stress specifically for first-year teachers. I came across this article: http://www.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=3749719

This article made me feel immensely better about how my first year was going. It also made me realize that this journal can be part of the solution. I am going to take a minute to reflect on every single day in hopes that documentation on the positive things and a few of the negative (for learning purposes) will help me stay on track. 

One of the other things I am going to do is to wind down each day with a run. I am planning to do two 5ks in November, so I am hoping that this will give me something else to focus on for a little bit during the day. This will also help me sleep. 

I am going to start taking a multivitamin and focus on eating healthier to deal with my health issues. This will also help with my stomach problems. 

On the weekends, I am gong to make a point of allowing myself to enjoy some time not worrying about school. I know it is necessary to complete my work, but it is not so necessary that I should be hating everything going on around me. I know that sounds extreme, but there are some days that I cannot be positive about ANYTHING because I have so much school stuff hanging over my head. This will be eliminated. It has to be.

My husband is also committing to a lot of this with me. I am not sure how long he'll hang in there, but his commitment makes mine all that more stronger. It's so difficult to do things on your own. 

One of the main things I have to do is accept that I am one person that is completely new at this. I have got to learn to be less of a perfectionist and more of a realist. My husband reminds me of this every day. He's such a great partner. :) 

These are the commitments I am making in order to produce a healthier life for myself. Hopefully, this journal will track some of the major changes that will take place over the next few weeks as I learn to implement them all into my life! I am extremely optimistic about them, and I truly feel that I am headed for better days. I've just got to keep my eyes on the prize, which right now seems to be summer vacation. :)

IT IS ALIIIIIIIIVE!

I have got to get better at this mess.

I have got a lot going on, but I really need a place that I can regularly write, get out what is on my chest, and even document some stuff. Even though I have not used it in so long, I am going to continue using this one because it is far more developed than the other one I attempted to make and never used.

As of today, I have completed my seventh week of teaching English to 9th, 10, and 11th grade at a little school in Alabama. It has been quite the experience thus far. Every day is a lesson not only for my students, but for me as well. They say that the first year of teaching is all about survival, and I can completely agree with that, even with the little experience that I have had so far. I am yearning to get past the "survival" part, though. Although it is difficult to handle a job such as this, I should not be expected to simply survive because that is setting the students I teach back even further than they already are (and believe me, they are set back pretty far!) I hope to write about my progress over the next year as I learn to turn "survive" into "thrive," and I begin to see the difference a teacher can make in the lives of those he or she teaches.

UNA did not teach me much that I can used in the classroom. It is frustrating to think I went through this rigorous program only to learn that none of it is really applicable. I would love to see their program turn into a more realistic program that will help first-year teachers. With that being said, I want to share what I have learned that they did not teach me in college. And don't you fret, this will be added to as I continue on with my first year.

Things I Did Not Learn in College

1. There is never enough time in the day to get done what you need to get done. Teaching is NOT a 9-5 job, and if anyone ever tries to give you hell about having summers off, please be sure to let them know the hours you work that are technically off-the-clock.

2. If you are right out of college like me,  you will be confused for a student often. Be sure to have your "teacher face" and "teacher demeanor" with you always. Also, keep that in mind when you get on to students you don't teach in the hallway. They will look at you like you're crazy, not because they are trying to disrespect you, but because it is casual Friday, and you look like a new student. Give them some sort of threat to let them know that you are of some authority. More than likely, they'll figure it out.

3. Students will spend the entire first week trying to figure you out. I don't mean they'll try to figure out what kind of teacher they are, in fact, I have found that they don't care about that at all. They want to know how old you are, what football team you cheer for, are you married, do you have kids, do you drink on the weekends, did you party in college, do you have tattoos, etc. Be prepared with answers to these questions. I am not saying you have to answer them, but be ready with some sort of way to avoid the answer. And, to be honest, I wouldn't be afraid to tell them your age. They'll strive to figure it out anyway. All of my classes know how old I am, and it has not changed anything.

4. If your school system is anything like mine, they will not tell you ANYTHING about the school, its policies, and where the teacher's lounge is. Find someone to attach yourself to, and get them somewhere where you can ask them a million questions. Although the principal might be the best person for this, he or she will not be available. Find a nice, helpful veteran teacher. UTILIZE THIS PERSON. Do not be afraid to ask questions. I would advise doing this during the in-service days at your school because once school starts, it is too late.

5. BE PREPARED ON EVERY SINGLE LEVEL YOU POSSIBLY CAN. The most difficult thing I have found is planning. I think I have this super great lesson plan, only to find that my students do not care about discussion or they know the information and the whole 50-minute lesson flies by in 10 minutes. Plan your lessons weekly, but be prepared to teach the next day's lesson the day before. I am still working on this because I am such a procrastinator, and this clearly goes against every code of procrastination, but it will save your life! Your 50-minute lesson is NEVER 50 minutes. I know in college they get you to time everything out, but until you know your students to a T, you will not be able to do that adequately. Just be prepared in advance so you don't have to stand in front of the room trying to tell jokes.

6. If you're an English teacher, always find out if what you are planning to read has been read before. Again, this would have been helpful had I known this. This can be done looking ahead at what you might want to teach the following week. Before you put it in the lesson plan, just quickly ask if they had read it before. It will save you a lot of time, frustration, and wasted notes.

7. Laminate anything and everything you would like to last longer than one day. With that being said, find out from other teachers what they use to hang stuff on the walls. I spent a week decorating my classroom only to have all of it fall off the walls the next week. Not only did it fall off the walls, but my students treated all of it as if it were a bunch of doormats. I would recommend not purchasing anything to decorate your walls, but instead use student-created items. It is a lot more interesting to the students, and if it gets ruined after it falls off of the walls, you won't be quite as concerned.

8. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS OVER-THINK EVERYTHING. Do not expect your students to know something. I suppose this is sort of the opposite of number 5. Oftentimes this semester, I assumed my students would know how to write an essay or write a rough draft, or write a complete sentence. Know up front that the answer is no. They do not know how to do it. There might be a few that do, but more than likely, most of them don't. Spend some time going over it anyway. It won't hurt anyone. And by "go over it," I mean, fully model it. Completely.

9. Develop some really thick skin. Everyone has feelings, right? Well, students don't care about that. They have diarrhea of the mouth and have no shame in what they say or how it makes you feel. DO NOT LET IT GET TO YOU. Fortunately, I am a very sarcastic and smart-alleck sort of person anyway, so it took a lot to get to me, but at the end of a long week after you have busted you tail to create these really awesome lessons and units, you tend to be a little more fragile. Students will openly tell you that they hate your class, what you're wearing, what you're teaching, what you're reading, what you drive, where you're from, etc. I don't think they mean it to tear you down, but if you are naturally a sensitive person, be prepared to take these comments with a smile and a silent insult in your head. :)

10. Last, but most importantly, they give you personal days for a reason. While some of you may think you need to save them for a really super important appointment or meeting or whatever, you really need them to save your sanity. Use it to get caught up on grading, planning, or test-making, or use it to treat yourself to something nice for dealing with 135 teenagers all day, every day. Do not hesitate to use them. You need them. That is why you get them. CHERISH THEM.

That is my very serious list about things I have learned in my first seven weeks of teaching. The following is the more humorous (but still serious) lessons I have learned.

The Other [Humorous] Things They Don't Teach You in College

1. If a kid is repeatedly leaving your classroom, he is likely throwing up.

2. Get on a pooping schedule. The worst thing is the world is to have 30 pairs of eyes watching you while you seriously have to poop. Somehow it makes it like 20 times worse, and you can't go for another 35 minutes.

3. Never "Facebook stalk" your students. You'll learn way too much about them, like how they enjoy smoking weed, and you'll never be able to look at them the same way no matter how good of a student they are.

4. Try to think before you speak, otherwise you'll use the term "midget" when you swear you were thinking "kindergarteners" and you'll soon find out that you teach a little person in the next class...which is why everyone was laughing so hard. You won't be able to shake that feeling of being a jackass for the rest of the day.

5. Don't tell students what you don't want them to do (such as whistle) because they will do it, and they will tell everyone in every other class of yours to do.

6. That seemingly annoying kid in your class that tells you how much fun he is having every five minutes will actually be your saving grace. Love that baby and take his every comment to heart. You'll need it.

7. Kids don't watch the presidential debate, so don't ask.

8. If you teach in the South, there are going to be some redneck kids you don't understand, avoid calling on him or her until you can speak "redneck".

9. Again, if you teach in the South, never share your stance on hunting and your dislike for deer meat. You will be treated like an outcast and made fun of when you make an awful face at the thought of eating squirrel (which most of my students do regularly).

10. Last, but not least, be prepared with how you are going to react when students fart as loudly as possible during a lesson. I will go ahead a tell you that students will get up and get away from that student, the farting student will laugh, and you will be standing at the front of the room asking God what you did to deserve this classroom. I have heard of some teachers who spray the child with Febreze or Lysol, I have also heard of teachers sending students out in the hallway, and I have also heard of teachers punishing students according to their "consequences". No matter what you do, KNOW what you will do because it will likely happen, and you don't want to stand at the front of the room completely dumbfounded like I was.

There you have it. All the things I did not learn in college. The best thing you can do is just to be prepared for every little single thing that you can think of that could go wrong. It will happen. I have also learned that being honest with my students works most of the time. There are a few classes who will try to break you if you're honest, but most appreciate being treated like adults. You'll just have to make that judgement call. Also, make sure you document everything you did this year and why it did or didn't work. That way, if you get hired back for the same position the following year, you won't make the same mistakes that you did before. These seven weeks have seemed like an eternity, so trust me when I say that you will not be able to rely on your memory to help you with that.

I am sure I will have A LOT more to add to this, so stayed tuned.