Keeping my eyes on the prize

Today was well spent with family, but it made me realize how I'm beginning to loathe the question, "How is teaching going?" I tend to answer indifferently or downright negatively. I wish people could understand how difficult it is and how my particular situation is more difficult than it should be.

When I reflect on the past 3-4 years, I realize that I have been under a ridiculous amount of stress. The older I get, the more I notice the toll it has taken on my body, my health, my mind, and my attitude. What I am dealing with now is no different. I am struggling with it even more now, though, because I am a newly-wed, and while I want to enjoy that in every aspect, I am struggling to enjoy anything at all about my current life and situation.

Every day, I experience severe anxiety. I have had several crying spells that last for over an hour, been sick at my stomach almost every single day since I started teaching, had bouts of weight gain and weight loss, bouts of eating too much some weeks and too little some weeks. I hardly sleep during the week, but I go to bed before ten on Friday night, wake up at 11 or later on Saturday, but and still try to nap later that day. I have racing thoughts all day, every day. I have difficulty remembering simple things and concentrating a lot of the time. I have been on the very brink of a panic attack more than five times. When this happens, I literally have to sit myself down and audibly tell myself that it is not as bad at it seems and I am over-thinking it. After convincing myself of this and taking several slow, deep breaths, my heart rate will steady, and suddenly the world doesn't seem to be collapsing.

I say all of this not for sympathy or concern from others. I am very well aware that this is not healthy and very concerning. I say all of this so that I can remember what it was like. Clearly I am under some extreme stress that I need to learn to cope with, so by coming to the open realization of it, I can finally begin my attempt at fixing it. I know that I cannot go on this way. 

I pray every day that I can overcome it. This past week, I really felt the difference from the prayer. Still, during the day I get overwhelmed, and at night I am not sleeping. I know that I am getting some relief, though. One of the main things I pray for is positivity. This will be the key to my survival. I am striving to focus on the good things about every day. However, by the end of the day, I forget what was good about it and I am back to stressing. Every day gets a little better, though. 

Tonight, I was googling different tips to dealing with stress. This led me to googling dealing with stress specifically for first-year teachers. I came across this article: http://www.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=3749719

This article made me feel immensely better about how my first year was going. It also made me realize that this journal can be part of the solution. I am going to take a minute to reflect on every single day in hopes that documentation on the positive things and a few of the negative (for learning purposes) will help me stay on track. 

One of the other things I am going to do is to wind down each day with a run. I am planning to do two 5ks in November, so I am hoping that this will give me something else to focus on for a little bit during the day. This will also help me sleep. 

I am going to start taking a multivitamin and focus on eating healthier to deal with my health issues. This will also help with my stomach problems. 

On the weekends, I am gong to make a point of allowing myself to enjoy some time not worrying about school. I know it is necessary to complete my work, but it is not so necessary that I should be hating everything going on around me. I know that sounds extreme, but there are some days that I cannot be positive about ANYTHING because I have so much school stuff hanging over my head. This will be eliminated. It has to be.

My husband is also committing to a lot of this with me. I am not sure how long he'll hang in there, but his commitment makes mine all that more stronger. It's so difficult to do things on your own. 

One of the main things I have to do is accept that I am one person that is completely new at this. I have got to learn to be less of a perfectionist and more of a realist. My husband reminds me of this every day. He's such a great partner. :) 

These are the commitments I am making in order to produce a healthier life for myself. Hopefully, this journal will track some of the major changes that will take place over the next few weeks as I learn to implement them all into my life! I am extremely optimistic about them, and I truly feel that I am headed for better days. I've just got to keep my eyes on the prize, which right now seems to be summer vacation. :)