Today was well spent with family, but it made me realize how I'm beginning to loathe the question, "How is teaching going?" I tend to answer indifferently or downright negatively. I wish people could understand how difficult it is and how my particular situation is more difficult than it should be.
When I reflect on the past 3-4 years, I realize that I have been under a ridiculous amount of stress. The older I get, the more I notice the toll it has taken on my body, my health, my mind, and my attitude. What I am dealing with now is no different. I am struggling with it even more now, though, because I am a newly-wed, and while I want to enjoy that in every aspect, I am struggling to enjoy anything at all about my current life and situation.
Every day, I experience severe anxiety. I have had several crying spells that last for over an hour, been sick at my stomach almost every single day since I started teaching, had bouts of weight gain and weight loss, bouts of eating too much some weeks and too little some weeks. I hardly sleep during the week, but I go to bed before ten on Friday night, wake up at 11 or later on Saturday, but and still try to nap later that day. I have racing thoughts all day, every day. I have difficulty remembering simple things and concentrating a lot of the time. I have been on the very brink of a panic attack more than five times. When this happens, I literally have to sit myself down and audibly tell myself that it is not as bad at it seems and I am over-thinking it. After convincing myself of this and taking several slow, deep breaths, my heart rate will steady, and suddenly the world doesn't seem to be collapsing.
I say all of this not for sympathy or concern from others. I am very well aware that this is not healthy and very concerning. I say all of this so that I can remember what it was like. Clearly I am under some extreme stress that I need to learn to cope with, so by coming to the open realization of it, I can finally begin my attempt at fixing it. I know that I cannot go on this way.
I pray every day that I can overcome it. This past week, I really felt the difference from the prayer. Still, during the day I get overwhelmed, and at night I am not sleeping. I know that I am getting some relief, though. One of the main things I pray for is positivity. This will be the key to my survival. I am striving to focus on the good things about every day. However, by the end of the day, I forget what was good about it and I am back to stressing. Every day gets a little better, though.
Tonight, I was googling different tips to dealing with stress. This led me to googling dealing with stress specifically for first-year teachers. I came across this article: http://www.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=3749719
This article made me feel immensely better about how my first year was going. It also made me realize that this journal can be part of the solution. I am going to take a minute to reflect on every single day in hopes that documentation on the positive things and a few of the negative (for learning purposes) will help me stay on track.
One of the other things I am going to do is to wind down each day with a run. I am planning to do two 5ks in November, so I am hoping that this will give me something else to focus on for a little bit during the day. This will also help me sleep.
I am going to start taking a multivitamin and focus on eating healthier to deal with my health issues. This will also help with my stomach problems.
On the weekends, I am gong to make a point of allowing myself to enjoy some time not worrying about school. I know it is necessary to complete my work, but it is not so necessary that I should be hating everything going on around me. I know that sounds extreme, but there are some days that I cannot be positive about ANYTHING because I have so much school stuff hanging over my head. This will be eliminated. It has to be.
My husband is also committing to a lot of this with me. I am not sure how long he'll hang in there, but his commitment makes mine all that more stronger. It's so difficult to do things on your own.
One of the main things I have to do is accept that I am one person that is completely new at this. I have got to learn to be less of a perfectionist and more of a realist. My husband reminds me of this every day. He's such a great partner. :)
These are the commitments I am making in order to produce a healthier life for myself. Hopefully, this journal will track some of the major changes that will take place over the next few weeks as I learn to implement them all into my life! I am extremely optimistic about them, and I truly feel that I am headed for better days. I've just got to keep my eyes on the prize, which right now seems to be summer vacation. :)
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Saturday, October 6, 2012
IT IS ALIIIIIIIIVE!
I have got to get better at this mess.
I have got a lot going on, but I really need a place that I can regularly write, get out what is on my chest, and even document some stuff. Even though I have not used it in so long, I am going to continue using this one because it is far more developed than the other one I attempted to make and never used.
As of today, I have completed my seventh week of teaching English to 9th, 10, and 11th grade at a little school in Alabama. It has been quite the experience thus far. Every day is a lesson not only for my students, but for me as well. They say that the first year of teaching is all about survival, and I can completely agree with that, even with the little experience that I have had so far. I am yearning to get past the "survival" part, though. Although it is difficult to handle a job such as this, I should not be expected to simply survive because that is setting the students I teach back even further than they already are (and believe me, they are set back pretty far!) I hope to write about my progress over the next year as I learn to turn "survive" into "thrive," and I begin to see the difference a teacher can make in the lives of those he or she teaches.
UNA did not teach me much that I can used in the classroom. It is frustrating to think I went through this rigorous program only to learn that none of it is really applicable. I would love to see their program turn into a more realistic program that will help first-year teachers. With that being said, I want to share what I have learned that they did not teach me in college. And don't you fret, this will be added to as I continue on with my first year.
Things I Did Not Learn in College
1. There is never enough time in the day to get done what you need to get done. Teaching is NOT a 9-5 job, and if anyone ever tries to give you hell about having summers off, please be sure to let them know the hours you work that are technically off-the-clock.
2. If you are right out of college like me, you will be confused for a student often. Be sure to have your "teacher face" and "teacher demeanor" with you always. Also, keep that in mind when you get on to students you don't teach in the hallway. They will look at you like you're crazy, not because they are trying to disrespect you, but because it is casual Friday, and you look like a new student. Give them some sort of threat to let them know that you are of some authority. More than likely, they'll figure it out.
3. Students will spend the entire first week trying to figure you out. I don't mean they'll try to figure out what kind of teacher they are, in fact, I have found that they don't care about that at all. They want to know how old you are, what football team you cheer for, are you married, do you have kids, do you drink on the weekends, did you party in college, do you have tattoos, etc. Be prepared with answers to these questions. I am not saying you have to answer them, but be ready with some sort of way to avoid the answer. And, to be honest, I wouldn't be afraid to tell them your age. They'll strive to figure it out anyway. All of my classes know how old I am, and it has not changed anything.
4. If your school system is anything like mine, they will not tell you ANYTHING about the school, its policies, and where the teacher's lounge is. Find someone to attach yourself to, and get them somewhere where you can ask them a million questions. Although the principal might be the best person for this, he or she will not be available. Find a nice, helpful veteran teacher. UTILIZE THIS PERSON. Do not be afraid to ask questions. I would advise doing this during the in-service days at your school because once school starts, it is too late.
5. BE PREPARED ON EVERY SINGLE LEVEL YOU POSSIBLY CAN. The most difficult thing I have found is planning. I think I have this super great lesson plan, only to find that my students do not care about discussion or they know the information and the whole 50-minute lesson flies by in 10 minutes. Plan your lessons weekly, but be prepared to teach the next day's lesson the day before. I am still working on this because I am such a procrastinator, and this clearly goes against every code of procrastination, but it will save your life! Your 50-minute lesson is NEVER 50 minutes. I know in college they get you to time everything out, but until you know your students to a T, you will not be able to do that adequately. Just be prepared in advance so you don't have to stand in front of the room trying to tell jokes.
6. If you're an English teacher, always find out if what you are planning to read has been read before. Again, this would have been helpful had I known this. This can be done looking ahead at what you might want to teach the following week. Before you put it in the lesson plan, just quickly ask if they had read it before. It will save you a lot of time, frustration, and wasted notes.
7. Laminate anything and everything you would like to last longer than one day. With that being said, find out from other teachers what they use to hang stuff on the walls. I spent a week decorating my classroom only to have all of it fall off the walls the next week. Not only did it fall off the walls, but my students treated all of it as if it were a bunch of doormats. I would recommend not purchasing anything to decorate your walls, but instead use student-created items. It is a lot more interesting to the students, and if it gets ruined after it falls off of the walls, you won't be quite as concerned.
8. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS OVER-THINK EVERYTHING. Do not expect your students to know something. I suppose this is sort of the opposite of number 5. Oftentimes this semester, I assumed my students would know how to write an essay or write a rough draft, or write a complete sentence. Know up front that the answer is no. They do not know how to do it. There might be a few that do, but more than likely, most of them don't. Spend some time going over it anyway. It won't hurt anyone. And by "go over it," I mean, fully model it. Completely.
9. Develop some really thick skin. Everyone has feelings, right? Well, students don't care about that. They have diarrhea of the mouth and have no shame in what they say or how it makes you feel. DO NOT LET IT GET TO YOU. Fortunately, I am a very sarcastic and smart-alleck sort of person anyway, so it took a lot to get to me, but at the end of a long week after you have busted you tail to create these really awesome lessons and units, you tend to be a little more fragile. Students will openly tell you that they hate your class, what you're wearing, what you're teaching, what you're reading, what you drive, where you're from, etc. I don't think they mean it to tear you down, but if you are naturally a sensitive person, be prepared to take these comments with a smile and a silent insult in your head. :)
10. Last, but most importantly, they give you personal days for a reason. While some of you may think you need to save them for a really super important appointment or meeting or whatever, you really need them to save your sanity. Use it to get caught up on grading, planning, or test-making, or use it to treat yourself to something nice for dealing with 135 teenagers all day, every day. Do not hesitate to use them. You need them. That is why you get them. CHERISH THEM.
That is my very serious list about things I have learned in my first seven weeks of teaching. The following is the more humorous (but still serious) lessons I have learned.
The Other [Humorous] Things They Don't Teach You in College
1. If a kid is repeatedly leaving your classroom, he is likely throwing up.
2. Get on a pooping schedule. The worst thing is the world is to have 30 pairs of eyes watching you while you seriously have to poop. Somehow it makes it like 20 times worse, and you can't go for another 35 minutes.
3. Never "Facebook stalk" your students. You'll learn way too much about them, like how they enjoy smoking weed, and you'll never be able to look at them the same way no matter how good of a student they are.
4. Try to think before you speak, otherwise you'll use the term "midget" when you swear you were thinking "kindergarteners" and you'll soon find out that you teach a little person in the next class...which is why everyone was laughing so hard. You won't be able to shake that feeling of being a jackass for the rest of the day.
5. Don't tell students what you don't want them to do (such as whistle) because they will do it, and they will tell everyone in every other class of yours to do.
6. That seemingly annoying kid in your class that tells you how much fun he is having every five minutes will actually be your saving grace. Love that baby and take his every comment to heart. You'll need it.
7. Kids don't watch the presidential debate, so don't ask.
8. If you teach in the South, there are going to be some redneck kids you don't understand, avoid calling on him or her until you can speak "redneck".
9. Again, if you teach in the South, never share your stance on hunting and your dislike for deer meat. You will be treated like an outcast and made fun of when you make an awful face at the thought of eating squirrel (which most of my students do regularly).
10. Last, but not least, be prepared with how you are going to react when students fart as loudly as possible during a lesson. I will go ahead a tell you that students will get up and get away from that student, the farting student will laugh, and you will be standing at the front of the room asking God what you did to deserve this classroom. I have heard of some teachers who spray the child with Febreze or Lysol, I have also heard of teachers sending students out in the hallway, and I have also heard of teachers punishing students according to their "consequences". No matter what you do, KNOW what you will do because it will likely happen, and you don't want to stand at the front of the room completely dumbfounded like I was.
There you have it. All the things I did not learn in college. The best thing you can do is just to be prepared for every little single thing that you can think of that could go wrong. It will happen. I have also learned that being honest with my students works most of the time. There are a few classes who will try to break you if you're honest, but most appreciate being treated like adults. You'll just have to make that judgement call. Also, make sure you document everything you did this year and why it did or didn't work. That way, if you get hired back for the same position the following year, you won't make the same mistakes that you did before. These seven weeks have seemed like an eternity, so trust me when I say that you will not be able to rely on your memory to help you with that.
I am sure I will have A LOT more to add to this, so stayed tuned.
As of today, I have completed my seventh week of teaching English to 9th, 10, and 11th grade at a little school in Alabama. It has been quite the experience thus far. Every day is a lesson not only for my students, but for me as well. They say that the first year of teaching is all about survival, and I can completely agree with that, even with the little experience that I have had so far. I am yearning to get past the "survival" part, though. Although it is difficult to handle a job such as this, I should not be expected to simply survive because that is setting the students I teach back even further than they already are (and believe me, they are set back pretty far!) I hope to write about my progress over the next year as I learn to turn "survive" into "thrive," and I begin to see the difference a teacher can make in the lives of those he or she teaches.
UNA did not teach me much that I can used in the classroom. It is frustrating to think I went through this rigorous program only to learn that none of it is really applicable. I would love to see their program turn into a more realistic program that will help first-year teachers. With that being said, I want to share what I have learned that they did not teach me in college. And don't you fret, this will be added to as I continue on with my first year.
Things I Did Not Learn in College
1. There is never enough time in the day to get done what you need to get done. Teaching is NOT a 9-5 job, and if anyone ever tries to give you hell about having summers off, please be sure to let them know the hours you work that are technically off-the-clock.
2. If you are right out of college like me, you will be confused for a student often. Be sure to have your "teacher face" and "teacher demeanor" with you always. Also, keep that in mind when you get on to students you don't teach in the hallway. They will look at you like you're crazy, not because they are trying to disrespect you, but because it is casual Friday, and you look like a new student. Give them some sort of threat to let them know that you are of some authority. More than likely, they'll figure it out.
3. Students will spend the entire first week trying to figure you out. I don't mean they'll try to figure out what kind of teacher they are, in fact, I have found that they don't care about that at all. They want to know how old you are, what football team you cheer for, are you married, do you have kids, do you drink on the weekends, did you party in college, do you have tattoos, etc. Be prepared with answers to these questions. I am not saying you have to answer them, but be ready with some sort of way to avoid the answer. And, to be honest, I wouldn't be afraid to tell them your age. They'll strive to figure it out anyway. All of my classes know how old I am, and it has not changed anything.
4. If your school system is anything like mine, they will not tell you ANYTHING about the school, its policies, and where the teacher's lounge is. Find someone to attach yourself to, and get them somewhere where you can ask them a million questions. Although the principal might be the best person for this, he or she will not be available. Find a nice, helpful veteran teacher. UTILIZE THIS PERSON. Do not be afraid to ask questions. I would advise doing this during the in-service days at your school because once school starts, it is too late.
5. BE PREPARED ON EVERY SINGLE LEVEL YOU POSSIBLY CAN. The most difficult thing I have found is planning. I think I have this super great lesson plan, only to find that my students do not care about discussion or they know the information and the whole 50-minute lesson flies by in 10 minutes. Plan your lessons weekly, but be prepared to teach the next day's lesson the day before. I am still working on this because I am such a procrastinator, and this clearly goes against every code of procrastination, but it will save your life! Your 50-minute lesson is NEVER 50 minutes. I know in college they get you to time everything out, but until you know your students to a T, you will not be able to do that adequately. Just be prepared in advance so you don't have to stand in front of the room trying to tell jokes.
6. If you're an English teacher, always find out if what you are planning to read has been read before. Again, this would have been helpful had I known this. This can be done looking ahead at what you might want to teach the following week. Before you put it in the lesson plan, just quickly ask if they had read it before. It will save you a lot of time, frustration, and wasted notes.
7. Laminate anything and everything you would like to last longer than one day. With that being said, find out from other teachers what they use to hang stuff on the walls. I spent a week decorating my classroom only to have all of it fall off the walls the next week. Not only did it fall off the walls, but my students treated all of it as if it were a bunch of doormats. I would recommend not purchasing anything to decorate your walls, but instead use student-created items. It is a lot more interesting to the students, and if it gets ruined after it falls off of the walls, you won't be quite as concerned.
8. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS OVER-THINK EVERYTHING. Do not expect your students to know something. I suppose this is sort of the opposite of number 5. Oftentimes this semester, I assumed my students would know how to write an essay or write a rough draft, or write a complete sentence. Know up front that the answer is no. They do not know how to do it. There might be a few that do, but more than likely, most of them don't. Spend some time going over it anyway. It won't hurt anyone. And by "go over it," I mean, fully model it. Completely.
9. Develop some really thick skin. Everyone has feelings, right? Well, students don't care about that. They have diarrhea of the mouth and have no shame in what they say or how it makes you feel. DO NOT LET IT GET TO YOU. Fortunately, I am a very sarcastic and smart-alleck sort of person anyway, so it took a lot to get to me, but at the end of a long week after you have busted you tail to create these really awesome lessons and units, you tend to be a little more fragile. Students will openly tell you that they hate your class, what you're wearing, what you're teaching, what you're reading, what you drive, where you're from, etc. I don't think they mean it to tear you down, but if you are naturally a sensitive person, be prepared to take these comments with a smile and a silent insult in your head. :)
10. Last, but most importantly, they give you personal days for a reason. While some of you may think you need to save them for a really super important appointment or meeting or whatever, you really need them to save your sanity. Use it to get caught up on grading, planning, or test-making, or use it to treat yourself to something nice for dealing with 135 teenagers all day, every day. Do not hesitate to use them. You need them. That is why you get them. CHERISH THEM.
That is my very serious list about things I have learned in my first seven weeks of teaching. The following is the more humorous (but still serious) lessons I have learned.
The Other [Humorous] Things They Don't Teach You in College
1. If a kid is repeatedly leaving your classroom, he is likely throwing up.
2. Get on a pooping schedule. The worst thing is the world is to have 30 pairs of eyes watching you while you seriously have to poop. Somehow it makes it like 20 times worse, and you can't go for another 35 minutes.
3. Never "Facebook stalk" your students. You'll learn way too much about them, like how they enjoy smoking weed, and you'll never be able to look at them the same way no matter how good of a student they are.
4. Try to think before you speak, otherwise you'll use the term "midget" when you swear you were thinking "kindergarteners" and you'll soon find out that you teach a little person in the next class...which is why everyone was laughing so hard. You won't be able to shake that feeling of being a jackass for the rest of the day.
5. Don't tell students what you don't want them to do (such as whistle) because they will do it, and they will tell everyone in every other class of yours to do.
6. That seemingly annoying kid in your class that tells you how much fun he is having every five minutes will actually be your saving grace. Love that baby and take his every comment to heart. You'll need it.
7. Kids don't watch the presidential debate, so don't ask.
8. If you teach in the South, there are going to be some redneck kids you don't understand, avoid calling on him or her until you can speak "redneck".
9. Again, if you teach in the South, never share your stance on hunting and your dislike for deer meat. You will be treated like an outcast and made fun of when you make an awful face at the thought of eating squirrel (which most of my students do regularly).
10. Last, but not least, be prepared with how you are going to react when students fart as loudly as possible during a lesson. I will go ahead a tell you that students will get up and get away from that student, the farting student will laugh, and you will be standing at the front of the room asking God what you did to deserve this classroom. I have heard of some teachers who spray the child with Febreze or Lysol, I have also heard of teachers sending students out in the hallway, and I have also heard of teachers punishing students according to their "consequences". No matter what you do, KNOW what you will do because it will likely happen, and you don't want to stand at the front of the room completely dumbfounded like I was.
There you have it. All the things I did not learn in college. The best thing you can do is just to be prepared for every little single thing that you can think of that could go wrong. It will happen. I have also learned that being honest with my students works most of the time. There are a few classes who will try to break you if you're honest, but most appreciate being treated like adults. You'll just have to make that judgement call. Also, make sure you document everything you did this year and why it did or didn't work. That way, if you get hired back for the same position the following year, you won't make the same mistakes that you did before. These seven weeks have seemed like an eternity, so trust me when I say that you will not be able to rely on your memory to help you with that.
I am sure I will have A LOT more to add to this, so stayed tuned.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
This blog is dead.
Dead as a door nail. It's sad. It never really saw its prime, but I also did not have time to utilize it.
I have just endured the most difficult semester of my life [resulting in 2 A's and 3 B's], and I have been admitted to intern next semester. Starting January 11, I will be a student teacher at—I'm not sure yet. I will find out Tuesday. I'm looking forward to knowing, though.
I will have some assignments and junk I have to complete, but for the most part, I am not going to have papers to write or any way to practice my writing, so I want to start a blog that is about my student teaching. I have some stipulations about this. I won't necessarily write something every single day about my classroom or my experience, but I will also be writing about my development as a teacher. I want to do a few article reviews and share ideas I have for my classroom. I want to actually share this blog with other people and future interns.
As lame as some of my colleagues think it is, we made a promise to be life-long learners, and I am very serious about that. I want to learn the best practices for my classroom and never get comfortable. This will hopefully help me not to get complacent. If I ever have nothing to write about, then there's something wrong.
I'm looking into getting this thing started on Monday. I want to share my fears, hopes, and anxiety before I find out where I am going to be. Then I will continue to share where I am placed and so on.
This is something I really want to take seriously. It's actually something I'm passionate about, so surely I can make it happen.
I have just endured the most difficult semester of my life [resulting in 2 A's and 3 B's], and I have been admitted to intern next semester. Starting January 11, I will be a student teacher at—I'm not sure yet. I will find out Tuesday. I'm looking forward to knowing, though.
I will have some assignments and junk I have to complete, but for the most part, I am not going to have papers to write or any way to practice my writing, so I want to start a blog that is about my student teaching. I have some stipulations about this. I won't necessarily write something every single day about my classroom or my experience, but I will also be writing about my development as a teacher. I want to do a few article reviews and share ideas I have for my classroom. I want to actually share this blog with other people and future interns.
As lame as some of my colleagues think it is, we made a promise to be life-long learners, and I am very serious about that. I want to learn the best practices for my classroom and never get comfortable. This will hopefully help me not to get complacent. If I ever have nothing to write about, then there's something wrong.
I'm looking into getting this thing started on Monday. I want to share my fears, hopes, and anxiety before I find out where I am going to be. Then I will continue to share where I am placed and so on.
This is something I really want to take seriously. It's actually something I'm passionate about, so surely I can make it happen.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” —Marilyn Monroe
I could not agree with this more.
I could not agree with this more.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." -Bill Cosby
It's so rare that I update, and I apologize. I'll work on it, but I'm not making any promises. :)
This is my last semester of classes, and my last year of undergrad. I'm terrified and excited all at the same time. It's thrilling to think where I might be a year from now, yet it's terrifying to think where I might be a year from now. Ha! I have plans to go back to school to get my master's in either English or administration. I think I'll probably do English first. So, hopefully this time next year I'll already be working towards that.
I also hope that perhaps I'll have a ring on a certain finger that will lead to a lifelong marriage and lots of little ones running around, but I'm content waiting, too. As much as I want to be married, I also want to be prepared to be married. With Wes's job situation like it is (he is no longer a supervisor at Best Buy and was forced to take a major pay-cut because of it), I just want to know that we will both have money on which to survive. I'm sure we would be fine, but I would like to have job and him to have t more stable job, and I'd like to know where we are going to be at that point in our lives. If it's here in Florence, great. If it's elsewhere, fine. I just want to know.
Anyway, other than my thoughts occasionally being consumed by those, I am also chugging along through this difficult semester. Well, thus far, the most difficult thing is the 70 observation hours to complete, but I will do what I have to do to get those puppies done. My assignments don't necessarily seem difficult. I do have one class that requires I read 14 novels. I'm on the eighth one right now. It's all young adult lit, though, so it's not terribly difficult. This is the reading list:
The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton
Fat Kid Rules the World by K.L. Going
Waiting for Normal by Leslie Connor
Ship Breaker by Paolo Bacigalupi
A Northern Light by Jennifer Donnelly
Breaking Night by Liz Murray
Borders (poetry) by Pat Mora
Who Do You Think You Are? Stories of Friends and Enemies (short stories)
The Giver by Lois Lowry
Speak by Laurie Anderson Halse
Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher
Looking for Alaska by John Green
I have three more I'm supposed to read. I read The Hunger Games series in the summer, so I'm probably just going to count that, but if I end up with spare time in the end (doubtful), I'll probably read a couple more.
Other than that, most of my classes have one big project and little else in between, so it hasn't been too bad. I have my first on Tuesday. Whoop! It'll be easy peasy. No big deal.
What has been stressing me out more than anything else is my desire to say yes to everything people ask me to do, even when I know in the back of my head, it is unlikely for me to get it done. I still try. I still fret. I still stress. And...more than anything, I feel bad when I fail at getting it done. I have never really realized it until this year, but I am a people-pleaser. I want desperately to break this, otherwise it will be the death of me. Guaranteed.
I also have a cat now...for those that didn't know that. She is half tabby and half calico. Her name is Pepperann! :) She has also added to my stress (until I declaw her, that is. And don't start on me about how inhumane that is, but you can't convince me of that. Sorry.) Her current favorite pastime? Tearing down the currents in my bedroom. Yep. I just love her.
Daddy called me tonight. :) He's in Hawaii, and it's rare that he calls me, so it's worth mentioning. I was telling him that I wanted to get my master's, which he seemed pretty impressed with (especially for the fact that I want to get two). I also talked to him about how if I my master's in English right after I graduated (like start in June), then I could have the opportunity to go to London in July as a mini study abroad program. I missed out on it this year because I knew I wouldn't be able to afford it, but I sometimes regret missing that opportunity. Daddy actually encouraged me to look into that, which was exciting. I usually feel like I'm doing the right thing is he encourages it or seems proud of it. :) Either way, that was my good feeling for the evening. That, and my cooking skills with honey mustard grilled chicken (wes did that), lemon butter broccoli, and mac and cheese. I always feel good when I cook something. Slowly, but surely, I'm convincing myself and everyone else that I can cook! :D
That's all for now. To sum up, I'm reading a lot, graduating soon, still trying to please everyone, and I'm learning to cook.
Fin.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sylvia Plath – Mad Girl’s Love Song
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you’d return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Some things I've realized...
Writing is a lot like child birth. Granted, I haven't had a child (really, my only follower on here that has is Kelli), but from what I understand, they're a lot alike. Perhaps when I actually have a child, I'll be able to update this with more detail.
-You carry it for a long time. (You might carry an idea for a story for a while, and then you carry a child for 9 months.)
-Many do both while they're on some kind of drug. (Many authors were drugged the heck up.)
-You push and push and try and try. (Sometimes you get nowhere with either.)
-Each push gets you a little closer, but not quite to the end.
-It is painful and dreadful, but pays off in the end. (Be honest. Both hurt, but in the end you either have a beautiful baby or a beautiful work.)
-Once you're done, you cry. It cries. Everyone cries. (Well, somebody cries.)
-You're very protective of the result. (You know, the baby or the work. It might have a cone head, but you don't notice. It might have a comma splice, but who cares?)
-It doesn't matter how much you learn and hear about it, you're never ready for it to happen. (You can hear what you're supposed to do when you have your first child, but I don't think anyone is ACTUALLY prepared before they go through it themselves. You also learn all about the writing process, but until you do it, you really have no idea how to create an actual decent piece of literature.)
-The placenta comes out afterward. (Yeah, maybe not.)
Kidding about that last one. But seriously, I was trying to think of something that was similar to the process of writing the other day. Don't ask why. But the only thing that came to mind was child birth. At the time, I had plenty of more examples, but I can't think of anymore that I originally came up with.
I decided to drop a class this semester. I went from classes every day and 16 hours to classes only on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and 13 hours. I just couldn't handle another class. I beat myself up over it for several days, but I've come to the realization that I am an adult and I have to make that decision. If it wasn't going to work out, then I needed to remove myself from that situation. I just hope it doesn't jeopardize my graduation plans. May 2012, baby! It better happen or I'm giving the heck up.
I spent my first Saturday off (in months) at my friend's house. Amber Crews and I have known each other for as long as I have worked at Best Buy in Florence. She is married with two kids, but tons of fun, not to mention I absolutely adore her kids. We just hung out at her house, eating quesadillas and cheese dip and drinking margaritas and talking and playing with the boys. It was a relaxing and enjoyable way to spend my Saturday. I don't think she believes I really think that either. Ha!
Crap. I've ran out of momentum to keep up this post. I'm going to go to bed so I can be at work at 6am tomorrow. I'll try to post again before summer. Ha!
-You carry it for a long time. (You might carry an idea for a story for a while, and then you carry a child for 9 months.)
-Many do both while they're on some kind of drug. (Many authors were drugged the heck up.)
-You push and push and try and try. (Sometimes you get nowhere with either.)
-Each push gets you a little closer, but not quite to the end.
-It is painful and dreadful, but pays off in the end. (Be honest. Both hurt, but in the end you either have a beautiful baby or a beautiful work.)
-Once you're done, you cry. It cries. Everyone cries. (Well, somebody cries.)
-You're very protective of the result. (You know, the baby or the work. It might have a cone head, but you don't notice. It might have a comma splice, but who cares?)
-It doesn't matter how much you learn and hear about it, you're never ready for it to happen. (You can hear what you're supposed to do when you have your first child, but I don't think anyone is ACTUALLY prepared before they go through it themselves. You also learn all about the writing process, but until you do it, you really have no idea how to create an actual decent piece of literature.)
-The placenta comes out afterward. (Yeah, maybe not.)
Kidding about that last one. But seriously, I was trying to think of something that was similar to the process of writing the other day. Don't ask why. But the only thing that came to mind was child birth. At the time, I had plenty of more examples, but I can't think of anymore that I originally came up with.
I decided to drop a class this semester. I went from classes every day and 16 hours to classes only on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and 13 hours. I just couldn't handle another class. I beat myself up over it for several days, but I've come to the realization that I am an adult and I have to make that decision. If it wasn't going to work out, then I needed to remove myself from that situation. I just hope it doesn't jeopardize my graduation plans. May 2012, baby! It better happen or I'm giving the heck up.
I spent my first Saturday off (in months) at my friend's house. Amber Crews and I have known each other for as long as I have worked at Best Buy in Florence. She is married with two kids, but tons of fun, not to mention I absolutely adore her kids. We just hung out at her house, eating quesadillas and cheese dip and drinking margaritas and talking and playing with the boys. It was a relaxing and enjoyable way to spend my Saturday. I don't think she believes I really think that either. Ha!
Crap. I've ran out of momentum to keep up this post. I'm going to go to bed so I can be at work at 6am tomorrow. I'll try to post again before summer. Ha!
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