Personal business and my ambition. Just another post, I'd say.

Updated: Because I'm a big baby and afraid to start drama, I deleted the first part of this post. I couldn't figure out how to make it "friends only".

On to more important things.
I'm getting off to a slow start for school. I did go to my literature class today, which I thoroughly enjoyed. It's a discussion class versus the lecture type of lit class I had last semester. He actually asks us what we think about the selection and we can have opinions! What a concept!

I have an advanced composition class that I'm looking forward to. Despite everything they tell you in high school, you don't write more in college...or maybe you should, but UNA doesn't require it yet. Supposedly that's all changing. I think it should. I wrote a 10 page research paper last semester for the first time in over a year...meaning I had 8-10 classes that did not require me to write at all. I am an English major! Good gravy. I should take initiative and write on my own, though. I want to get used to writing, but I want to be critiqued. I want to be torn down and built back up. I actually want to learn! Ha! So, perhaps this advanced composition class will kick my tail and I can get a lot out of it.

I also have Instruction of Composition, which I think will be a good class. I've had the professor before, but that was my first semester at UNA and it was a lit class. She reminds me of Professor Trelawny from Harry Potter. Either way, we had a long discussion on Wednesday about our job as English teachers. She was explaining to us that we have the toughest teaching job for the following reason: We learn to speak from our parents. We usually develop the same accent, vocabulary, and speed of talking, etc. Our identity begins with our parents. So, when a child enters into an English class and relays what they have learned up to that point, and it's not perfect standard English, we correct them. By correcting them, we are telling them that they are wrong, that their parents are wrong. We are questioning their identity. At a certain point in our lives, we do realize that our parents are usually wrong (ha! kidding...kinda), but at a young age, most kids admire their parents for the most part. With math, a teacher can point out the error and explain why it's wrong. Most wouldn't take offense to that. I always struggled in math. My dad used to help me out a lot, and he would show me a different way of doing the problem that was easier for me to understand. I remember one teacher I had telling me that the way I was doing it was wrong (although I always got the right answer). I took great offense to that because my daddy showed me how to do it. By telling me that was the wrong way to do it, she was telling me that my dad was wrong, and that's not okay. Get what I'm saying?

Also, with writing... the few followers I have on here I know are writers in some form or fashion. I can remember writing my first few essays and thinking they were wonderful and then I get them back from my teacher and they are butchered. Surely you can remember being young and writing a piece or coloring a picture and just thinking it's the greatest thing you've ever done. So when someone "insults" it by pointing out that you went out of the lines a couple of times or forgot a comma, you're crushed. I am training for that job of "insulting" a student's work.

So how do you change that? How do you read a paper that is seriously the most horrible thing you have ever read and try to maintain positivity throughout? How do you know whether the student legitimately doesn't get it or just isn't trying? Hopefully I'll learn these things in this class. I don't want my future students to hate writing or literature, but I don't want to feel like I cannot critique their work in efforts to make it better. Would I be doing them a disservice if I did not correct all of their errors? Should I find the biggest mistakes, address those, and work on the smaller things later? I don't want to make students terrified of a red pen. I want it to be a collaborative process. I don't want them to dread getting papers back. Either way, it's a fine line.

I'm dealing with this in other aspects of my life. I am trying to learn how to be over people, build relationships, and still be able to maintain the power over them. I'm trying to learn to deal with passive aggressiveness without inducing tears by confronting the issue. Rule with an iron fist, but wear a satin glove. Ha! Anyone have a satin glove I can borrow?

Thank you, Charles Bukowski.

so you want to be a writer?


if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.
if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all;
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in
you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.


—Charles Bukowski

I've got nothin' good for a title.

Although I'm still stressed beyond belief, I'm trying to feel a little bit better about things. I ended up making A's on the only 2 midterms I had, which is great, but I still feel like there's so much more to be done. For example, I am knowingly receiving a zero on something that is due today because in my thinking of taking it one day at a time, I didn't realize how in depth it was going to be and so when I started to do it yesterday, there was absolutely no way I'd be able to complete it because I wasn't looking ahead at it. So "taking it one day at a time" definitely as some downfalls...and I'm trying not to stress over the particular downfall I'm in now.

On a totally separate note, I started my 3rd week of running today, which went extremely well. I'm glad I'm still sticking with it and enjoying it. I actually find myself wanting to run everyday, but I'm just going to stick with the 3 times a week thing. Haha!

Again, on a different note, I'm contemplating deactivating my account on Facebook. I have my reasons for wanting to do so, but would rather not want to discuss them on here. However, if I do, I will still be on here and quite possibly updating even more than I have before.

That's all I have for now. :)

The ship went down in sight of land.

It's been awhile since I've updated. I apologize.

Lately I've been in whirlwind of busyness. I'm living off of Red Bulls and Starbucks Double Shot Espresso energy drinks. I feel like I'm permanently wired. I've also been some major doldrums recently as well. So although my energy is seemingly up, my spirits are not.

School is depressing me. I have no motivation to finish the next year out, much less this semester. I've been going in and out of this all semester, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm not going to recover from it this time. I have the hardest time focusing, studying, and finding the passion for what I'm going to do to even give me the motivation to get through it. 

In trying to get my crap together and try to muster up the motivation to do all of this, I find myself thinking back to the past, dreading getting older, and wishing I could start over so I would appreciate it and savor it more the second time. I feel like everything went way too fast. I used to be so excited to graduate, get married, and move on with my life. Now I'm wishing I was at home, my sister was there, and we were in elementary school again. They weren't the greatest of times all the time, but it was a safe time. I was always sure that my parents were there and were going to take care of me instead of now where I hardly have the time to talk to them, much less make it home to see them. The same thing goes with my sisters. I want to go back to high school when Ashley and I were close and always together. I want to go back to when Jordan was born and make her a promise that I would to spend as much time with her as possible while she grows up, even if that means not going out on a Saturday night with friends.I would also spend more time at my dad's. I would spend as much time as possible with him. Again, I was more concerned with hanging out with friends and my boyfriend at the time. I was too selfish in those years. I didn't appreciate anything or anyone in my life, and now when I'm feeling lonely and homesick, I can't help but think about how I didn't take advantage of it when I had it.  There's too many things I know I'd do differently knowing what I know now.

I thought that if I got all of that out, then I'd be able to focus and get to studying for my midterm tomorrow. In all actuality, I feel worse and just want to go to bed. 

I'm sorry for this depressing post. I don't have really anyone to talk to about this that would understand it, so I thought I'd just throw it all out there so I can let it go. 

On a happier note, I just completed my second week of running. I got too busy and too exhausted to continue when I was posting about them before, but I finally have started again and have done really well sticking with it. I actually love it and feel so good when I get done. I hope to be able to run  a 5K or two by this time next year. I've gotta get some other goals besides school or I'm going to go insane. 

Now back to studying... lucky me. 

I'm so lame.

I've already admitted that this year will be my toughest year in college. I'm taking 15 hours for the first time in quite some time, I've got about 50 observation hours to complete, I'm executive editor of yearbook, and I've also got to work and make money! All of this I've dealt with before, except the executive editor thing. Last year I was an associate editor, but now I'm actually over the whole thing which means I have to plan everything, oversee the whole ordeal, and make sure we have everything we need to do the book (which might sound easy...but no, it's not). My brain is not in the mode I need it to be in to handle all of this. I'm trying to stay on top of things, but it feels like there's so much that needs to be done and I almost don't know where to begin. I've gotta stay on top of it, though. I know I can do it. I've just gotta stay calm and not stress. :)

I need encouraging words!

Day 2 of C25K!

WHOOOO! 

So Wes and I completed day 2. I have to say it was much, much, MUCH harder. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I didn't drink a lot of water today, I had only eaten once, and we ran around 5:30ish, so it was still daylight and the sun was beatin' down! However, I did finish it, as did Wes (but he got a blister! boo!)! When we got to the fourth run, I was already pretty tired and out of breath, which was a lot different from day 1 when I was doing well until the last two runs. But oh well! What matters is that we completed it and we're looking forward to Thursday!! Hopefully it'll be easier then. I'm cutting soda completely out of my diet. I drank some diet dr. pepper today, so I also put some of the blame on it. :) It's all about water, water, water...and juice! Haha! I'll update Thursdayyyyy!

Oh, and I'm already pretty sore today when I wasn't sore at all from Sunday. Maybe that means I'm gettin' some sexy muscular legs! Haha!

Day 1 of C25K

Wes and I started with week one today! We  ran across Patton Island Bridge (which has a gorgeous view of the river below). The program starts out with you starting out at a brisk walk for 5 minutes, then alternates with 60 seconds of running and 90 of briskly walking. You should that 8 times. I was thinking it would be a piece of cake, and it was...until the last two intervals of running. The last one I really had to push myself, but I completed it! Then we just walked all the way back across. The walk back felt good, too. We kept up a good pace and just kinda took it all in. We discussed it and agreed that it's not too much to burn you out on it, but it is enough to push you and make you sweat. I really enjoyed it! We'll stay with week one until next Sunday. We are going to be running Sundays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays. If I didn't say this in my last post, it's a 9 week program. I think there's a 5k in October, so depending on the date, Wes and I may be able to enter it! I'll update Tuesday with how that day's run went! I'm actually really excited about it!