Fixing our eyes on Jesus

Hebrews 12:1-3

I tend to get discouraged on Mondays. It's a day that I usually over think things and, as a result, my faith begins to fail. An old friend posted this on Facebook earlier today, and I didn't pay much attention to it. However, this evening I spent some time thinking about some of my struggles, and felt compelled to read these verses again.

Then thoughts of my struggles turn to thoughts of what Jesus went through on Earth, and I can't help but look at mine as so superficial. I know they're not superficial to Him. He cares about me and takes my worries and struggles away,
otherwise he wouldn't send me these words to encourage me to keep going even if I constantly feel like a failure.

I'll get used to his unconditional love eventually. Until then, I'll just be forever grateful that it exists.

He affirms!

I just wanted to quickly share this:

I have an app on my phone that I use to read the Bible daily. It gives a daily verse, as well as different plans I can follow. Today's daily verse? Proverbs 16:3 "Commit to the Lord all that you do, and He will establish your plans."

:)

Reflections, endeavors, & closed doors

I am still not a regular blogger by any means. I apologize for that.

I have "successfully" completed my first semester of teaching. The semester ended with bittersweet feelings. I use the word "successful" lightly for a few reasons. I think part of success for a first year teacher comes from just completing it without a major breakdown. In that case, I am very successful. I also think success can be measured by how much I have learned. I can definitely say I am incredibly successful in that way as well. Every single day I learn something. I learn what works, what doesn't work, how to do things, how to address situations, etc. The list is endless. I also think that success can be measured by how much students have learned. That is the reason I use successful loosely. I do not feel that I have taught my students all that they needed to know, all that I could have, and all that I should have. I don't feel they have progressed any more than they should have, but at the same time, that is what I have reflections for.


I can honestly say that this semester has gone much better, but I feel with more days I get under my belt, that should be expected. We have gone over grammar and are working up to a research paper (and retaking the grad exam for my 11th graders). I feel like they have learned things especially this semester. They tell me often that I am the best English teacher they have had, but I think that comes from being young and funny, not so much from the amount of learning taking place.

The best part of being on the back nine of my first year of teaching is that I can already start reflecting and looking at what I can change for next year! I constantly jot down ideas that will help with classroom management, engagement, and effective teaching. I have done research into teaching practices with positive results and ways to incorporate technology via texting and Edmodo. I am excited about what is to come in my upcoming years of teaching, but I can't forget about finishing up my first year!

Upon completion of my first full semester, I started looking into grad school. Wes and I have always planned to have kids fairly early in our marriage, but the further I get away from the school, the more I want to return for my MA. Wes and I have discussed this at length, and we agreed I should do this ASAP. I started looking into UNA and what they offered. I sought out advice from several people including former professors and mentors. I began looking into Auburn and Alabama for their MA in composition and rhetoric. I even began studying for the GRE! Every step of research I did got me more and more pumped about achieving this dream. I struggled with the decision of which school and the financial part. Wes and I decided that loans would be the only way to pay for it, but I felt that it would be completely worth it. Throughout this time, I prayed that I would end up wherever I needed to be. I started contacting those that could lead me through the process, all the while thinking that one way or another, I would be beginning classes in just a few short months. The replies I received were not what I was hoping for. I have missed Auburn's and Alabama's deadlines for entry into the programs beginning in the fall. I will not be able to start graduate school until Spring of 2014 if I choose to go with those schools. That is heartbreaking.

Then I remember my prayers. I prayed that I would get in touch with the right people. I prayed that I would end up where I needed to be. I prayed for open doors and open arms. I prayed I would feel a peace about it. I then go back and think, "Did I pray about the decisions to go back to school so soon?" "Did I pray about the program I chose?" "Did I even pray for how this aligned with God's plan for my life?" No, I don't recall those prayers. I have the tendency to decide what I want to do, and then pray for God to help from there. I have come to realize that that is not how it works.

Closed doors. That is what I envisioned when I realized the deadlines that have come and gone. I was upset. I was mad even. I have gotten everyone's blessing to go through with this: my husband, my mom, my dad, my family in general. I was willing to put my baby plans on hold until I got to a more stable time, whether I was done with school or not. I realize now, though, that the only person I failed to ask blessing from was God. I am now back on my knees asking for God to reveal to me what I am supposed to be doing. What is in HIS plan so that I can plan accordingly, not the other way around. Suddenly, I am excited about spending a summer planning thoroughly for the upcoming year. I sort of forgot about the benefits of having two months off to make up for all of those planning periods I never had this year. I see that there is something greater in store for me. Graduate school definitely not an endeavor of the past. I feel that it will still happen, but on God's timing, not mine.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plan to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" Jeremiah 29:11-13

Ending my day right.

Today was an absolutely great day. Over the weekend I revamped my expectations and procedures, so today I went over that with them and made sure they understood everything. They all took it well. I think they finally realize that passive, nice Ms. Waldrep is gone, and (semi) strict, mean Mrs. Mac has arrived. :) 

I didn't get to run due to an hour long faculty meeting after school and two junior high football games. I did get to see my parents tonight, though! They made an hour and a half drive just to come see my girls cheer. It seriously meant the world to me. My girls didn't hit their halftime routine for the first time since I started, but it wasn't a total loss. It was freezing and the grass was wet, so it wasn't a huge ordeal. 

After a major lack of sleep and an extremely long (but good) day, I am beat and am going to finally hit the sack. 

I am thankful to be laying my head down tonight with a little less stress and a more positive outlook on what I am doing tomorrow. 

I think He is trying to tell me something.

After a long night of sleeplessness and frustration because my mind wouldn't "shut off," I woke up practically in tears at 5:15 after finally falling asleep somewhere after 4:00 am. I curse the alarm clock knowing that I have to be at school and two football games tonight, guaranteeing that i won't get home until 9:30 at the earliest. I get up anyway, and begin my quiet time to prepare for the day. This is today's verse:

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:28-29

I know I am going to make it today.

Keeping my eyes on the prize

Today was well spent with family, but it made me realize how I'm beginning to loathe the question, "How is teaching going?" I tend to answer indifferently or downright negatively. I wish people could understand how difficult it is and how my particular situation is more difficult than it should be.

When I reflect on the past 3-4 years, I realize that I have been under a ridiculous amount of stress. The older I get, the more I notice the toll it has taken on my body, my health, my mind, and my attitude. What I am dealing with now is no different. I am struggling with it even more now, though, because I am a newly-wed, and while I want to enjoy that in every aspect, I am struggling to enjoy anything at all about my current life and situation.

Every day, I experience severe anxiety. I have had several crying spells that last for over an hour, been sick at my stomach almost every single day since I started teaching, had bouts of weight gain and weight loss, bouts of eating too much some weeks and too little some weeks. I hardly sleep during the week, but I go to bed before ten on Friday night, wake up at 11 or later on Saturday, but and still try to nap later that day. I have racing thoughts all day, every day. I have difficulty remembering simple things and concentrating a lot of the time. I have been on the very brink of a panic attack more than five times. When this happens, I literally have to sit myself down and audibly tell myself that it is not as bad at it seems and I am over-thinking it. After convincing myself of this and taking several slow, deep breaths, my heart rate will steady, and suddenly the world doesn't seem to be collapsing.

I say all of this not for sympathy or concern from others. I am very well aware that this is not healthy and very concerning. I say all of this so that I can remember what it was like. Clearly I am under some extreme stress that I need to learn to cope with, so by coming to the open realization of it, I can finally begin my attempt at fixing it. I know that I cannot go on this way. 

I pray every day that I can overcome it. This past week, I really felt the difference from the prayer. Still, during the day I get overwhelmed, and at night I am not sleeping. I know that I am getting some relief, though. One of the main things I pray for is positivity. This will be the key to my survival. I am striving to focus on the good things about every day. However, by the end of the day, I forget what was good about it and I am back to stressing. Every day gets a little better, though. 

Tonight, I was googling different tips to dealing with stress. This led me to googling dealing with stress specifically for first-year teachers. I came across this article: http://www.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=3749719

This article made me feel immensely better about how my first year was going. It also made me realize that this journal can be part of the solution. I am going to take a minute to reflect on every single day in hopes that documentation on the positive things and a few of the negative (for learning purposes) will help me stay on track. 

One of the other things I am going to do is to wind down each day with a run. I am planning to do two 5ks in November, so I am hoping that this will give me something else to focus on for a little bit during the day. This will also help me sleep. 

I am going to start taking a multivitamin and focus on eating healthier to deal with my health issues. This will also help with my stomach problems. 

On the weekends, I am gong to make a point of allowing myself to enjoy some time not worrying about school. I know it is necessary to complete my work, but it is not so necessary that I should be hating everything going on around me. I know that sounds extreme, but there are some days that I cannot be positive about ANYTHING because I have so much school stuff hanging over my head. This will be eliminated. It has to be.

My husband is also committing to a lot of this with me. I am not sure how long he'll hang in there, but his commitment makes mine all that more stronger. It's so difficult to do things on your own. 

One of the main things I have to do is accept that I am one person that is completely new at this. I have got to learn to be less of a perfectionist and more of a realist. My husband reminds me of this every day. He's such a great partner. :) 

These are the commitments I am making in order to produce a healthier life for myself. Hopefully, this journal will track some of the major changes that will take place over the next few weeks as I learn to implement them all into my life! I am extremely optimistic about them, and I truly feel that I am headed for better days. I've just got to keep my eyes on the prize, which right now seems to be summer vacation. :)

IT IS ALIIIIIIIIVE!

I have got to get better at this mess.

I have got a lot going on, but I really need a place that I can regularly write, get out what is on my chest, and even document some stuff. Even though I have not used it in so long, I am going to continue using this one because it is far more developed than the other one I attempted to make and never used.

As of today, I have completed my seventh week of teaching English to 9th, 10, and 11th grade at a little school in Alabama. It has been quite the experience thus far. Every day is a lesson not only for my students, but for me as well. They say that the first year of teaching is all about survival, and I can completely agree with that, even with the little experience that I have had so far. I am yearning to get past the "survival" part, though. Although it is difficult to handle a job such as this, I should not be expected to simply survive because that is setting the students I teach back even further than they already are (and believe me, they are set back pretty far!) I hope to write about my progress over the next year as I learn to turn "survive" into "thrive," and I begin to see the difference a teacher can make in the lives of those he or she teaches.

UNA did not teach me much that I can used in the classroom. It is frustrating to think I went through this rigorous program only to learn that none of it is really applicable. I would love to see their program turn into a more realistic program that will help first-year teachers. With that being said, I want to share what I have learned that they did not teach me in college. And don't you fret, this will be added to as I continue on with my first year.

Things I Did Not Learn in College

1. There is never enough time in the day to get done what you need to get done. Teaching is NOT a 9-5 job, and if anyone ever tries to give you hell about having summers off, please be sure to let them know the hours you work that are technically off-the-clock.

2. If you are right out of college like me,  you will be confused for a student often. Be sure to have your "teacher face" and "teacher demeanor" with you always. Also, keep that in mind when you get on to students you don't teach in the hallway. They will look at you like you're crazy, not because they are trying to disrespect you, but because it is casual Friday, and you look like a new student. Give them some sort of threat to let them know that you are of some authority. More than likely, they'll figure it out.

3. Students will spend the entire first week trying to figure you out. I don't mean they'll try to figure out what kind of teacher they are, in fact, I have found that they don't care about that at all. They want to know how old you are, what football team you cheer for, are you married, do you have kids, do you drink on the weekends, did you party in college, do you have tattoos, etc. Be prepared with answers to these questions. I am not saying you have to answer them, but be ready with some sort of way to avoid the answer. And, to be honest, I wouldn't be afraid to tell them your age. They'll strive to figure it out anyway. All of my classes know how old I am, and it has not changed anything.

4. If your school system is anything like mine, they will not tell you ANYTHING about the school, its policies, and where the teacher's lounge is. Find someone to attach yourself to, and get them somewhere where you can ask them a million questions. Although the principal might be the best person for this, he or she will not be available. Find a nice, helpful veteran teacher. UTILIZE THIS PERSON. Do not be afraid to ask questions. I would advise doing this during the in-service days at your school because once school starts, it is too late.

5. BE PREPARED ON EVERY SINGLE LEVEL YOU POSSIBLY CAN. The most difficult thing I have found is planning. I think I have this super great lesson plan, only to find that my students do not care about discussion or they know the information and the whole 50-minute lesson flies by in 10 minutes. Plan your lessons weekly, but be prepared to teach the next day's lesson the day before. I am still working on this because I am such a procrastinator, and this clearly goes against every code of procrastination, but it will save your life! Your 50-minute lesson is NEVER 50 minutes. I know in college they get you to time everything out, but until you know your students to a T, you will not be able to do that adequately. Just be prepared in advance so you don't have to stand in front of the room trying to tell jokes.

6. If you're an English teacher, always find out if what you are planning to read has been read before. Again, this would have been helpful had I known this. This can be done looking ahead at what you might want to teach the following week. Before you put it in the lesson plan, just quickly ask if they had read it before. It will save you a lot of time, frustration, and wasted notes.

7. Laminate anything and everything you would like to last longer than one day. With that being said, find out from other teachers what they use to hang stuff on the walls. I spent a week decorating my classroom only to have all of it fall off the walls the next week. Not only did it fall off the walls, but my students treated all of it as if it were a bunch of doormats. I would recommend not purchasing anything to decorate your walls, but instead use student-created items. It is a lot more interesting to the students, and if it gets ruined after it falls off of the walls, you won't be quite as concerned.

8. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS OVER-THINK EVERYTHING. Do not expect your students to know something. I suppose this is sort of the opposite of number 5. Oftentimes this semester, I assumed my students would know how to write an essay or write a rough draft, or write a complete sentence. Know up front that the answer is no. They do not know how to do it. There might be a few that do, but more than likely, most of them don't. Spend some time going over it anyway. It won't hurt anyone. And by "go over it," I mean, fully model it. Completely.

9. Develop some really thick skin. Everyone has feelings, right? Well, students don't care about that. They have diarrhea of the mouth and have no shame in what they say or how it makes you feel. DO NOT LET IT GET TO YOU. Fortunately, I am a very sarcastic and smart-alleck sort of person anyway, so it took a lot to get to me, but at the end of a long week after you have busted you tail to create these really awesome lessons and units, you tend to be a little more fragile. Students will openly tell you that they hate your class, what you're wearing, what you're teaching, what you're reading, what you drive, where you're from, etc. I don't think they mean it to tear you down, but if you are naturally a sensitive person, be prepared to take these comments with a smile and a silent insult in your head. :)

10. Last, but most importantly, they give you personal days for a reason. While some of you may think you need to save them for a really super important appointment or meeting or whatever, you really need them to save your sanity. Use it to get caught up on grading, planning, or test-making, or use it to treat yourself to something nice for dealing with 135 teenagers all day, every day. Do not hesitate to use them. You need them. That is why you get them. CHERISH THEM.

That is my very serious list about things I have learned in my first seven weeks of teaching. The following is the more humorous (but still serious) lessons I have learned.

The Other [Humorous] Things They Don't Teach You in College

1. If a kid is repeatedly leaving your classroom, he is likely throwing up.

2. Get on a pooping schedule. The worst thing is the world is to have 30 pairs of eyes watching you while you seriously have to poop. Somehow it makes it like 20 times worse, and you can't go for another 35 minutes.

3. Never "Facebook stalk" your students. You'll learn way too much about them, like how they enjoy smoking weed, and you'll never be able to look at them the same way no matter how good of a student they are.

4. Try to think before you speak, otherwise you'll use the term "midget" when you swear you were thinking "kindergarteners" and you'll soon find out that you teach a little person in the next class...which is why everyone was laughing so hard. You won't be able to shake that feeling of being a jackass for the rest of the day.

5. Don't tell students what you don't want them to do (such as whistle) because they will do it, and they will tell everyone in every other class of yours to do.

6. That seemingly annoying kid in your class that tells you how much fun he is having every five minutes will actually be your saving grace. Love that baby and take his every comment to heart. You'll need it.

7. Kids don't watch the presidential debate, so don't ask.

8. If you teach in the South, there are going to be some redneck kids you don't understand, avoid calling on him or her until you can speak "redneck".

9. Again, if you teach in the South, never share your stance on hunting and your dislike for deer meat. You will be treated like an outcast and made fun of when you make an awful face at the thought of eating squirrel (which most of my students do regularly).

10. Last, but not least, be prepared with how you are going to react when students fart as loudly as possible during a lesson. I will go ahead a tell you that students will get up and get away from that student, the farting student will laugh, and you will be standing at the front of the room asking God what you did to deserve this classroom. I have heard of some teachers who spray the child with Febreze or Lysol, I have also heard of teachers sending students out in the hallway, and I have also heard of teachers punishing students according to their "consequences". No matter what you do, KNOW what you will do because it will likely happen, and you don't want to stand at the front of the room completely dumbfounded like I was.

There you have it. All the things I did not learn in college. The best thing you can do is just to be prepared for every little single thing that you can think of that could go wrong. It will happen. I have also learned that being honest with my students works most of the time. There are a few classes who will try to break you if you're honest, but most appreciate being treated like adults. You'll just have to make that judgement call. Also, make sure you document everything you did this year and why it did or didn't work. That way, if you get hired back for the same position the following year, you won't make the same mistakes that you did before. These seven weeks have seemed like an eternity, so trust me when I say that you will not be able to rely on your memory to help you with that.

I am sure I will have A LOT more to add to this, so stayed tuned.

This blog is dead.

Dead as a door nail. It's sad. It never really saw its prime, but I also did not have time to utilize it.

I have just endured the most difficult semester of my life [resulting in 2 A's and 3 B's], and I have been admitted to intern next semester. Starting January 11, I will be a student teacher at—I'm not sure yet. I will find out Tuesday. I'm looking forward to knowing, though.

I will have some assignments and junk I have to complete, but for the most part, I am not going to have papers to write or any way to practice my writing, so I want to start a blog that is about my student teaching. I have some stipulations about this. I won't necessarily write something every single day about my classroom or my experience, but I will also be writing about my development as a teacher. I want to do a few article reviews and share ideas I have for my classroom. I want to actually share this blog with other people and future interns.

As lame as some of my colleagues think it is, we made a promise to be life-long learners, and I am very serious about that. I want to learn the best practices for my classroom and never get comfortable. This will hopefully help me not to get complacent. If I ever have nothing to write about, then there's something wrong.

I'm looking into getting this thing started on Monday. I want to share my fears, hopes, and anxiety before I find out where I am going to be. Then I will continue to share where I am placed and so on.

This is something I really want to take seriously. It's actually something I'm passionate about, so surely I can make it happen.

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” —Marilyn Monroe

I could not agree with this more.

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." -Bill Cosby

It's so rare that I update, and I apologize. I'll work on it, but I'm not making any promises. :)

This is my last semester of classes, and my last year of undergrad. I'm terrified and excited all at the same time. It's thrilling to think where I might be a year from now, yet it's terrifying to think where I might be a year from now. Ha! I have plans to go back to school to get my master's in either English or administration. I think I'll probably do English first. So, hopefully this time next year I'll already be working towards that.

I also hope that perhaps I'll have a ring on a certain finger that will lead to a lifelong marriage and lots of little ones running around, but I'm content waiting, too. As much as I want to be married, I also want to be prepared to be married. With Wes's job situation like it is (he is no longer a supervisor at Best Buy and was forced to take a major pay-cut because of it), I just want to know that we will both have money on which to survive. I'm sure we would be fine, but I would like to have job and him to have t more stable job, and I'd like to know where we are going to be at that point in our lives. If it's here in Florence, great. If it's elsewhere, fine. I just want to know.

Anyway, other than my thoughts occasionally being consumed by those, I am also chugging along through this difficult semester. Well, thus far, the most difficult thing is the 70 observation hours to complete, but I will do what I have to do to get those puppies done. My assignments don't necessarily seem difficult. I do have one class that requires I read 14 novels. I'm on the eighth one right now. It's all young adult lit, though, so it's not terribly difficult. This is the reading list:

The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton

Fat Kid Rules the World by K.L. Going

Waiting for Normal by Leslie Connor

Ship Breaker by Paolo Bacigalupi

A Northern Light by Jennifer Donnelly

Breaking Night by Liz Murray

Borders (poetry) by Pat Mora

Who Do You Think You Are? Stories of Friends and Enemies (short stories)

The Giver by Lois Lowry

Speak by Laurie Anderson Halse

Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher

Looking for Alaska by John Green

I have three more I'm supposed to read. I read The Hunger Games series in the summer, so I'm probably just going to count that, but if I end up with spare time in the end (doubtful), I'll probably read a couple more.

Other than that, most of my classes have one big project and little else in between, so it hasn't been too bad. I have my first on Tuesday. Whoop! It'll be easy peasy. No big deal.

What has been stressing me out more than anything else is my desire to say yes to everything people ask me to do, even when I know in the back of my head, it is unlikely for me to get it done. I still try. I still fret. I still stress. And...more than anything, I feel bad when I fail at getting it done. I have never really realized it until this year, but I am a people-pleaser. I want desperately to break this, otherwise it will be the death of me. Guaranteed.

I also have a cat now...for those that didn't know that. She is half tabby and half calico. Her name is Pepperann! :) She has also added to my stress (until I declaw her, that is. And don't start on me about how inhumane that is, but you can't convince me of that. Sorry.) Her current favorite pastime? Tearing down the currents in my bedroom. Yep. I just love her.

Daddy called me tonight. :) He's in Hawaii, and it's rare that he calls me, so it's worth mentioning. I was telling him that I wanted to get my master's, which he seemed pretty impressed with (especially for the fact that I want to get two). I also talked to him about how if I my master's in English right after I graduated (like start in June), then I could have the opportunity to go to London in July as a mini study abroad program. I missed out on it this year because I knew I wouldn't be able to afford it, but I sometimes regret missing that opportunity. Daddy actually encouraged me to look into that, which was exciting. I usually feel like I'm doing the right thing is he encourages it or seems proud of it. :) Either way, that was my good feeling for the evening. That, and my cooking skills with honey mustard grilled chicken (wes did that), lemon butter broccoli, and mac and cheese. I always feel good when I cook something. Slowly, but surely, I'm convincing myself and everyone else that I can cook! :D

That's all for now. To sum up, I'm reading a lot, graduating soon, still trying to please everyone, and I'm learning to cook.

Fin.

Sylvia Plath – Mad Girl’s Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you’d return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

Some things I've realized...

Writing is a lot like child birth. Granted, I haven't had a child (really, my only follower on here that has is Kelli), but from what I understand, they're a lot alike. Perhaps when I actually have a child, I'll be able to update this with more detail.

-You carry it for a long time. (You might carry an idea for a story for a while, and then you carry a child for 9 months.)
-Many do both while they're on some kind of drug. (Many authors were drugged the heck up.)
-You push and push and try and try. (Sometimes you get nowhere with either.)
-Each push gets you a little closer, but not quite to the end.
-It is painful and dreadful, but pays off in the end. (Be honest. Both hurt, but in the end you either have a beautiful baby or a beautiful work.)
-Once you're done, you cry. It cries. Everyone cries. (Well, somebody cries.)
-You're very protective of the result. (You know, the baby or the work. It might have a cone head, but you don't notice. It might have a comma splice, but who cares?)
-It doesn't matter how much you learn and hear about it, you're never ready for it to happen. (You can hear what you're supposed to do when you have your first child, but I don't think anyone is ACTUALLY prepared before they go through it themselves. You also learn all about the writing process, but until you do it, you really have no idea how to create an actual decent piece of literature.)
-The placenta comes out afterward. (Yeah, maybe not.)

Kidding about that last one. But seriously, I was trying to think of something that was similar to the process of writing the other day. Don't ask why. But the only thing that came to mind was child birth. At the time, I had plenty of more examples, but I can't think of anymore that I originally came up with.

I decided to drop a class this semester. I went from classes every day and 16 hours to classes only on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and 13 hours. I just couldn't handle another class. I beat myself up over it for several days, but I've come to the realization that I am an adult and I have to make that decision. If it wasn't going to work out, then I needed to remove myself from that situation. I just hope it doesn't jeopardize my graduation plans. May 2012, baby! It better happen or I'm giving the heck up.

I spent my first Saturday off (in months) at my friend's house. Amber Crews and I have known each other for as long as I have worked at Best Buy in Florence. She is married with two kids, but tons of fun, not to mention I absolutely adore her kids. We just hung out at her house, eating quesadillas and cheese dip and drinking margaritas and talking and playing with the boys. It was a relaxing and enjoyable way to spend my Saturday. I don't think she believes I really think that either. Ha!

Crap. I've ran out of momentum to keep up this post. I'm going to go to bed so I can be at work at 6am tomorrow. I'll try to post again before summer. Ha!

Personal business and my ambition. Just another post, I'd say.

Updated: Because I'm a big baby and afraid to start drama, I deleted the first part of this post. I couldn't figure out how to make it "friends only".

On to more important things.
I'm getting off to a slow start for school. I did go to my literature class today, which I thoroughly enjoyed. It's a discussion class versus the lecture type of lit class I had last semester. He actually asks us what we think about the selection and we can have opinions! What a concept!

I have an advanced composition class that I'm looking forward to. Despite everything they tell you in high school, you don't write more in college...or maybe you should, but UNA doesn't require it yet. Supposedly that's all changing. I think it should. I wrote a 10 page research paper last semester for the first time in over a year...meaning I had 8-10 classes that did not require me to write at all. I am an English major! Good gravy. I should take initiative and write on my own, though. I want to get used to writing, but I want to be critiqued. I want to be torn down and built back up. I actually want to learn! Ha! So, perhaps this advanced composition class will kick my tail and I can get a lot out of it.

I also have Instruction of Composition, which I think will be a good class. I've had the professor before, but that was my first semester at UNA and it was a lit class. She reminds me of Professor Trelawny from Harry Potter. Either way, we had a long discussion on Wednesday about our job as English teachers. She was explaining to us that we have the toughest teaching job for the following reason: We learn to speak from our parents. We usually develop the same accent, vocabulary, and speed of talking, etc. Our identity begins with our parents. So, when a child enters into an English class and relays what they have learned up to that point, and it's not perfect standard English, we correct them. By correcting them, we are telling them that they are wrong, that their parents are wrong. We are questioning their identity. At a certain point in our lives, we do realize that our parents are usually wrong (ha! kidding...kinda), but at a young age, most kids admire their parents for the most part. With math, a teacher can point out the error and explain why it's wrong. Most wouldn't take offense to that. I always struggled in math. My dad used to help me out a lot, and he would show me a different way of doing the problem that was easier for me to understand. I remember one teacher I had telling me that the way I was doing it was wrong (although I always got the right answer). I took great offense to that because my daddy showed me how to do it. By telling me that was the wrong way to do it, she was telling me that my dad was wrong, and that's not okay. Get what I'm saying?

Also, with writing... the few followers I have on here I know are writers in some form or fashion. I can remember writing my first few essays and thinking they were wonderful and then I get them back from my teacher and they are butchered. Surely you can remember being young and writing a piece or coloring a picture and just thinking it's the greatest thing you've ever done. So when someone "insults" it by pointing out that you went out of the lines a couple of times or forgot a comma, you're crushed. I am training for that job of "insulting" a student's work.

So how do you change that? How do you read a paper that is seriously the most horrible thing you have ever read and try to maintain positivity throughout? How do you know whether the student legitimately doesn't get it or just isn't trying? Hopefully I'll learn these things in this class. I don't want my future students to hate writing or literature, but I don't want to feel like I cannot critique their work in efforts to make it better. Would I be doing them a disservice if I did not correct all of their errors? Should I find the biggest mistakes, address those, and work on the smaller things later? I don't want to make students terrified of a red pen. I want it to be a collaborative process. I don't want them to dread getting papers back. Either way, it's a fine line.

I'm dealing with this in other aspects of my life. I am trying to learn how to be over people, build relationships, and still be able to maintain the power over them. I'm trying to learn to deal with passive aggressiveness without inducing tears by confronting the issue. Rule with an iron fist, but wear a satin glove. Ha! Anyone have a satin glove I can borrow?

Thank you, Charles Bukowski.

so you want to be a writer?


if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.
if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all;
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in
you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.


—Charles Bukowski

I've got nothin' good for a title.

Although I'm still stressed beyond belief, I'm trying to feel a little bit better about things. I ended up making A's on the only 2 midterms I had, which is great, but I still feel like there's so much more to be done. For example, I am knowingly receiving a zero on something that is due today because in my thinking of taking it one day at a time, I didn't realize how in depth it was going to be and so when I started to do it yesterday, there was absolutely no way I'd be able to complete it because I wasn't looking ahead at it. So "taking it one day at a time" definitely as some downfalls...and I'm trying not to stress over the particular downfall I'm in now.

On a totally separate note, I started my 3rd week of running today, which went extremely well. I'm glad I'm still sticking with it and enjoying it. I actually find myself wanting to run everyday, but I'm just going to stick with the 3 times a week thing. Haha!

Again, on a different note, I'm contemplating deactivating my account on Facebook. I have my reasons for wanting to do so, but would rather not want to discuss them on here. However, if I do, I will still be on here and quite possibly updating even more than I have before.

That's all I have for now. :)

The ship went down in sight of land.

It's been awhile since I've updated. I apologize.

Lately I've been in whirlwind of busyness. I'm living off of Red Bulls and Starbucks Double Shot Espresso energy drinks. I feel like I'm permanently wired. I've also been some major doldrums recently as well. So although my energy is seemingly up, my spirits are not.

School is depressing me. I have no motivation to finish the next year out, much less this semester. I've been going in and out of this all semester, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm not going to recover from it this time. I have the hardest time focusing, studying, and finding the passion for what I'm going to do to even give me the motivation to get through it. 

In trying to get my crap together and try to muster up the motivation to do all of this, I find myself thinking back to the past, dreading getting older, and wishing I could start over so I would appreciate it and savor it more the second time. I feel like everything went way too fast. I used to be so excited to graduate, get married, and move on with my life. Now I'm wishing I was at home, my sister was there, and we were in elementary school again. They weren't the greatest of times all the time, but it was a safe time. I was always sure that my parents were there and were going to take care of me instead of now where I hardly have the time to talk to them, much less make it home to see them. The same thing goes with my sisters. I want to go back to high school when Ashley and I were close and always together. I want to go back to when Jordan was born and make her a promise that I would to spend as much time with her as possible while she grows up, even if that means not going out on a Saturday night with friends.I would also spend more time at my dad's. I would spend as much time as possible with him. Again, I was more concerned with hanging out with friends and my boyfriend at the time. I was too selfish in those years. I didn't appreciate anything or anyone in my life, and now when I'm feeling lonely and homesick, I can't help but think about how I didn't take advantage of it when I had it.  There's too many things I know I'd do differently knowing what I know now.

I thought that if I got all of that out, then I'd be able to focus and get to studying for my midterm tomorrow. In all actuality, I feel worse and just want to go to bed. 

I'm sorry for this depressing post. I don't have really anyone to talk to about this that would understand it, so I thought I'd just throw it all out there so I can let it go. 

On a happier note, I just completed my second week of running. I got too busy and too exhausted to continue when I was posting about them before, but I finally have started again and have done really well sticking with it. I actually love it and feel so good when I get done. I hope to be able to run  a 5K or two by this time next year. I've gotta get some other goals besides school or I'm going to go insane. 

Now back to studying... lucky me. 

I'm so lame.

I've already admitted that this year will be my toughest year in college. I'm taking 15 hours for the first time in quite some time, I've got about 50 observation hours to complete, I'm executive editor of yearbook, and I've also got to work and make money! All of this I've dealt with before, except the executive editor thing. Last year I was an associate editor, but now I'm actually over the whole thing which means I have to plan everything, oversee the whole ordeal, and make sure we have everything we need to do the book (which might sound easy...but no, it's not). My brain is not in the mode I need it to be in to handle all of this. I'm trying to stay on top of things, but it feels like there's so much that needs to be done and I almost don't know where to begin. I've gotta stay on top of it, though. I know I can do it. I've just gotta stay calm and not stress. :)

I need encouraging words!

Day 2 of C25K!

WHOOOO! 

So Wes and I completed day 2. I have to say it was much, much, MUCH harder. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I didn't drink a lot of water today, I had only eaten once, and we ran around 5:30ish, so it was still daylight and the sun was beatin' down! However, I did finish it, as did Wes (but he got a blister! boo!)! When we got to the fourth run, I was already pretty tired and out of breath, which was a lot different from day 1 when I was doing well until the last two runs. But oh well! What matters is that we completed it and we're looking forward to Thursday!! Hopefully it'll be easier then. I'm cutting soda completely out of my diet. I drank some diet dr. pepper today, so I also put some of the blame on it. :) It's all about water, water, water...and juice! Haha! I'll update Thursdayyyyy!

Oh, and I'm already pretty sore today when I wasn't sore at all from Sunday. Maybe that means I'm gettin' some sexy muscular legs! Haha!

Day 1 of C25K

Wes and I started with week one today! We  ran across Patton Island Bridge (which has a gorgeous view of the river below). The program starts out with you starting out at a brisk walk for 5 minutes, then alternates with 60 seconds of running and 90 of briskly walking. You should that 8 times. I was thinking it would be a piece of cake, and it was...until the last two intervals of running. The last one I really had to push myself, but I completed it! Then we just walked all the way back across. The walk back felt good, too. We kept up a good pace and just kinda took it all in. We discussed it and agreed that it's not too much to burn you out on it, but it is enough to push you and make you sweat. I really enjoyed it! We'll stay with week one until next Sunday. We are going to be running Sundays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays. If I didn't say this in my last post, it's a 9 week program. I think there's a 5k in October, so depending on the date, Wes and I may be able to enter it! I'll update Tuesday with how that day's run went! I'm actually really excited about it!

C25K

I am downloading the podcasts for the Couch to 5k program! I've heard good things about it from some people (some not so good things from other people), but what have I got to lose? I plan to start it tomorrow, and I'll update at least weekly about how it's going. I keep wanting to get in shape, so maybe I found a program that will help that happen. I don't know. I guess we'll see!